Overcoming Reactivity in your Relationships: 6 Steps
This is a topic I know all too well. I seem to have spent the better part of my life with a feeling that if I could just stop reacting and defending myself, my life and my relationships would be completely different.
So, it seems that my life’s mission has been about mastering my emotional world and the negative/destructive thinking that goes hand in hand with those big triggers.
A state of reactivity and defensiveness occurs when our nervous system becomes ‘triggered’ and we go into fight or flight (or freeze) mode. In simple terms, the older reptilian part of the brain, called the amygdala, has hijacked the situation, overriding the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that manages behaviours and emotions.
The good news is, that by using some techniques to slow things down when you begin to feel yourself getting overwhelmed or upset, you can begin to respond in a way that creates healthy communication.
It is helpful to know that when an event happened in the past that was traumatic or emotionally triggering, and it wasn’t able to be processed properly, either because you were too young or it was too traumatic, the emotion got stored in the body.
Now each time a similar event occurs, it reactivates the stored emotion/s and correlating thoughts.
So, when your current situation sets off that old emotional charge, your thinking in that moment is very limited, and you are no longer experiencing the reality that is happening now.
You have overlaid your past experience onto the present situation.
Knowing this is absolutely key to allowing the energy and thoughts to come up and pass through, so they can begin to be released properly, instead of being recycled yet another time.
6 Steps for overcoming reactivity and defensiveness:
Notice as soon as possible
The first step is to begin to notice as soon as possible that your nervous system is beginning to fire (you’re beginning to feel triggered). Notice the sensations in your body as soon as the event starts upsetting you.
Turn your attention inward
Direct your attention into your body, and off the person who is upsetting you. Notice what you notice. Is your heart racing? Do you have a knot in your solar plexus? A tight band around your chest? Tight jaw? Notice if the sensations are moving or if you feel any heat etc.
Breathe slowly into your belly
If the situation is too triggering, make an excuse to leave, even if it’s just a bathroom break. Breathe slowly into your belly. Inhale for three counts, and exhale for six counts. If you are able to, inhale for four counts and exhale for eight counts. The more time you can give yourself when your emotions are activated, the better.
Notice your thoughts
Notice how your thoughts draw you into your old stories; he always does this, she doesn’t care about me, it’s always going to be like this, etc.
Stop the thought train
Interrupt your thoughts by having a moment of no thought or emptiness in your mind. Even just a second or two will be helpful. It’s a matter of not clinging to what you are believing about the situation. Let go, or surrender your story as it arises, do this as many times as possible. Tuning into your body again also helps here.
Lean away and relax your body
Relax your shoulders and allow the emotion to come up and pass through. There is nothing to do, say, resist or defend. This is not a shutting down, it’s more of an allowing and acceptance of what is, and a surrendering to the process that has already begun.
Becoming aware of your thoughts, and breaking or interrupting them, is one of the most simple and powerful things you can do. That’s not to say it’s easy, and it does take practice.
We cling to our old thought patterns as if our life depends on it, but that only serves to keep us stuck in situations that feel futile.
By far, the most difficult part of this process is coming to terms with the fact that your thoughts are nothing more than opinions and not facts. I know this is rough news, and I can hear you protesting with ‘but’ and ‘you don’t understand…’
The thing is, I DO understand. I’ve been there too.
The observation of thoughts and emotions is a teaching that has stood the test of time.
Breaking the cycle of blame, and taking radical responsibility for how you are feeling, begins to change the well worn pathways in the brain, and allows a space for your higher thinking to come through.
Contrary to what you might be thinking, you do not become a doormat, victim, or get stuck in bad situations by practicing this letting go process. Instead, you develop inner strength, and gain wisdom that allows you to see and navigate each situation for what it really is, so you can then respond appropriately.
The trick is to be super forgiving with yourself each time you get caught in reactivity or defensiveness. Lucky for you, life will give you ample opportunities to practice, and the rewards for your efforts will far outweigh the trials.
I am qualified in the emotions based therapies Embodied Processing, and Root Cause Therapy, as well as mindfulness practices. If you need extra support, please visit my website to learn more about how I help people.
Thank you for being here 🙏🏻💙